Unicorns and Nipple Tassels

And so before we could blink, the Christmas season arrived in all of its usual festive glory. This festive glory spills into the office, which I really have enjoyed these past years – Christmas dress downs, Christmas jumper days, office snacks, treats and chocolate of such quantity that I can feel my veins cracking and my hips bulge just looking at it all. The highlight for me though, is Secret Santa.

I tell my G that we are having Secret Santa again this year – I know who mine is because I took a ticket with her name on it – and know what to look for. But G bemoans theirs, as they have only been given a letter of the alphabet at this point, with no matching name, so had no idea what to get – and what’s the fun in that? And, he tells me, his mate has been saying for weeks already that if they do Secret Santa, that he will be buying chocolate nipple tassels, and this he proclaimed to everyone in the office.

So – what does my G do? He starts looking on Amazon for chocolate nipple tassels – I swear I did not know that these are actually a thing! His plan is to give these as a Secret Santa gift – and because it’s supposedly secret, everyone will think that it’s his mate that bought them. After browsing online he realises that including the postage, to get the nipple tassels in time, it will come up to over the allotted £5 spend, but still thinks it’s a super idea. He might just get them he says.

Later in the day however, G receives a message from his mate at work, with a corresponding list of names which match the alphabet draw – and now he knows who his Secret Santa is for! It’s for a lovely young lady at the office he says, who happens to be lesbian. She’s well young though, around 21. But she is very girlie girl he says, and knows that she likes unicorns. But he also says that she has a wicked sense of humour and would find chocolate nipple tassels funny.

As it so happens, we are both off for a bit of Christmas shopping the following day, and venture into the City Centre. I point out to G while in John Lewis that there is plenty of unicorn merchandise around – so much – I would never have thought that unicorns are ‘’in’’ but there you have it. Very in your face fluffy pinkness and glitter, with pom pom pens/pencils and all sorts of paraphernalia you can imagine with rainbows and said unicorns. And flamingos. Lots of shelf-sitting flamingos. I say to G surely he will find something suitable, as quite a lot of cute unicorn things are a fiver. Just what we need.

After wondering around window shopping and some browsing, we decide on a lunch, before making some actual purchases on our way out and back home. During lunch we have a serious chat about what we need, and G still thinks the nipple tassels will do it. I say well – if I had my HR manager head on, I would discourage you. The workplace isn’t what it was back in the day – perceived sexual harassment, discrimination on sexual orientation – these things can be taken out of context so quickly – so no, if you don’t want to get sacked, stick to unicorns. G sort of agrees as I remind him of the selection of goods we have seen. So much to choose from.

The first shop we go into after lunch is Paperchase, to find some nice gift boxes. Lo and behold there is a whole shelf dedicated to unicorns. And flamingos. G looks through the lot but nothing really takes his fancy, until we find hanging on a display wall, two little unicorns that can wind up for a unicorn desk race. Exciting stuff – typically no price on them. I can see G is hesitating, and I say let’s go to the checkout and find out how much they are, I’m sure that can’t be more than a fiver. We stand in the busy queue with unicorns in hand, when out the corner of my eye I spot what looks like nipple tassels hanging from an entrance display in the front of the shop! For £5.00! Like a total idiot, I step out of queue and take a box down to show G. Really bad move on my part. In the busy queue we have this discussion around what G wants– nipple tassels or unicorns. The shoppers crammed around us in the queue don’t know that this conversation is actually about Secret Santa. The nipple tassels win, because G thinks that if they are in a shop like Paperchase, they can’t be too bad – can they? They are indeed Christmas pudding nipple tassels – the instruction reads to serve with cream. G only realises that they aren’t made from actual chocolate when we get home – but too late now – they are wrapped and taken to his Secret Santa ‘’do’’ the following day.

G gets home from work, and I really need to know what happened when this little gift was opened in the office – but oh what a let-down. She didn’t open her Secret Santa Gift. Oh no, this is Christmas, so can only be opened on Christmas day. In front of her family. Maybe with grandparents in attendance. Or young nieces and nephews.

Gin anyone?


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